I was getting ready for a fundraising event and I had my phone playing music. A slow song came on and I let it play not thinking much about it. The song was over and it repeated. No songs had repeated up to that point, and no song repeated after. It was strange. The song was, “I Believe in Love”. It made me ask, do I believe in love?
I have been doing a lot of work on myself. It sounds so strange to tell you that too, but looking within and asking yourself why do I do that? where did that come from? seems like important questions when you can’t move forward. One of the key issues I see within myself is a lack of love. I feel distant inside. I could laugh now thinking when my husband (boyfriend back then) told me his father said that I don’t seem to care about his son. For my husband, at times it is my best feature. I don’t get worked up about stuff. But, my worst feature is that I am not open or wiling to be vulnerable. At the time, I told my then-boyfriend that I didn’t feel that he cared about me. It is a pivotal moment because my coldness was always there. I care. I love. But, they aren’t the most open ways. I hold most people at arms length. If you can get around that arm and get closer you know that I love you, but its very protected. I would help you and am very loyal. And I will guard your secrets in a vault, but so will my own secrets be locked up away from you.
I just sense this dark mass of energy that sits there like a weight inside of me. It dulls happiness, joy and love. It is peaceful here, but there’s always a sense of something missing.
“Today I got the answer
And there’s a world of truth behind it
Love is out there waiting somewhere
You just have to go and find it”
So, as I look at myself. You know what comes up…old stuff. My childhood. My parents were busy. My dad worked out and farmed. My mom was on the farm with the animals or in the tractor. They were hard workers. But, when I think of how we related to one another I can tell you why I feel closed off inside. I came to be this way completely intentionally. We had all securities growing up with the home, necessitates and mom’s cooking. She loved us with food. We had a freedom on the farm that my children don’t have. We could be gone for hours playing in the trees and no one was worried. I went for bike rides in the area and we were gone half the day. I still feel nature is the best way to connect with my self. I loved that aspect of growing up.
My mother always told me she was my mother first. We would have time to be friends later. She had no way of knowing that we didn’t have that time. We were not friends. I sense she wants a better connection to me now, but she has the comfort of being free from the human body. She sees it clearer now, but she has to have a lot of patience to let me get there in my human suit.
My mother wants me to know she loves me. She holds me in a spiritual hug. She wants me to feel the love that I didn’t feel at the end of her life. I cry with that message.
So, do I believe in love? They say love is the answer. I think it must be because I think it is the key for my heart. Do I believe? I can’t recall for my self in love a moment that stands out, but I know when I give it to my children and say things like I see you. I really see you and tears well up in their eyes and mine that the connection of love gives you strength to conquer all things. For them, my love is what creates a growing in their heart, now just to find it in mine.