Part 3 Examine My Life

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Here I sit. I looked back in my past at some of my most shameful times in Part 2. I sat in the feelings that came up. I pondered all of it for the next few days. I kept reading Rising Strong by Brene Brown. It dawned on me from her book that Part 2 was completely “my story”. It had truth in it, but it was the victimized, selfish story that I have told myself for 20 plus years.

The truth is that looking at Part 2 is that some of it is not real. It felt very real at the time, but I chose to accept all that was said and done to me. I made myself the victim in the story and not the victor. I feel a part of me stayed face down on the arena floor until now. It is time for all of myself to rise up and see it in a clear light.

My parents loved me. They had issues, but they did the best they could in what skills they had. My mother was diagnosed with cancer and that must have been scary as hell. Rationally, my parents didn’t communicate well with me. They were taught to keep their emotions in so they naturally taught us that same quality. My mother would never have said anything to me like that had she been of sound mind. Accepting what she said as my story for so long is something that I have to let go and forgive. As I think of my children I would never want this on their heart and nor would my mom want it on mine. She loved me. I loved her. I forgive her. I forgive myself for holding onto it for so long. It no longer serves me to keep it on my heart.

I numbed my emotions and pain with alcohol. I was uncomfortable with expressing my emotions because I chose to keep it inside instead of giving it to other people. There was no escape for my pain and it came out in not so great choices. I forgive myself for numbing my pain and creating habits throughout my life by using alcohol and food.  I forgive myself for not releasing the emotions of my grief and sharing more with others the pain I felt.

I created control. I control everything. I have slowly released some of it, but I still see myself as being in control. I want to release control and get to vulnerability. I want to release the fear that giving up control is a total loss of control which makes me feel powerless, but really will be freedom. I don’t know everything. I give myself permission to feel emotions and release them.

I created stories. I told a story about who I am and how others perceive me or will perceive me when I screw up. It has mobilized me in fear to not try. I tell myself a very scary story and it reminds me of my lack of worth. I am nothing special. There are better people for the job. I have nothing to offer. I have to acknowledge the stories of my past that they are in fact stories. It was my perception at the time. I have to shine a light on these dark stories so that I see them as what they really are…misperceptions. It is a reality-check. I made up these stories to cope with my choices. I forgive myself. I give myself permission to stop writing limiting stories on my past and future events. It is a new day and let me treat it as such.

Brene Brown says, “The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness. We must reclaim the truth about lovability, divinity, and creativity.” I am loveable. I am divine. I am creative. I type this out and I feel a rise of emotions.  I am surprised at the part of love. I feel I am invisible to the people in my life. I feel that they don’t see me nor love me like I deserve. It is my story I have told myself. It isn’t true. “Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable.”  This speaks so loudly over what happened between my mother and I. On her death bed she didn’t express much love for me, but I took that as a personal imprint on my heart of not being lovable. If my own mother didn’t love me or say she would miss me or cry that we wouldn’t be together anymore then who the hell would love me? In a blink of an eye I can see how I have carried that thread of a thought throughout my life. I am lovable. I am love. Love is inside my heart. I have to be as open to giving love as to receive it. I give myself permission to love.

“Just because someone failed to see the value in what we can create or achieve doesn’t change its worth or ours.” This should be told to every child as they are growing up. It should be put on every locker in school. It should be said in a prayer for every night as we age. It is something I need tattooed on my hand to remind myself that every blog post previous was always my perception and a story I told about how others failed to see my worth, so I chose to be stuck in it. I was hook, line and sinker to fall for what they said about me. I told myself a story to cope with what was said. I held onto their words and buried them all as deep as I could to numb the feelings it brought up. I give myself permission to let those words go and to allow the old feelings to go along with them. They do not serve me anymore.

It is a new day. It is going to be a new year. Thank you Brene Brown!  Your research on vulnerability which created ‘Rising Strong’ has shown that it will never be something I conquer but that I have to continue to be open to it for the rest of my life. It has changed my life. The universe aligned for that to be dropped in my lap. I have been asking for a year what is my next step and vulnerability kept showing up. I finally was ready to examine what that means to me. The next step is to feel vulnerable and to allow the emotions that it brings up. I need to explore my intuitions and follow my curiosity. But, if what she says is true then my life will get better and better. I will become curious, creative and will fall, but I will also RISE!!

 

 * Sentences in quotations are all from book “Rising Strong” by Brene Brown.

 

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