My True Self

Never have I felt so shaken to the core of who I think I am and who actually exists. I carry such an appearance of having it together and I don’t. My human self tricks itself into believing that if I don’t say what’s going on then no one knows any different that life appears perfect. But there’s chaos under the calm water. I have looked at myself and in this awareness I am messed up. I have been everything that I don’t like in others…the victim, the blamer, the justifier, etc. 

It has hit me earlier this month when I complained about a good thing that happened in my life, but it came to me in man-drama style which annoyed me. So every time I saw this good thing I felt mad about this good fortune and then eventually it cost me. It cost me more. And I had the instant realization that I caused it. I wanted my good stuff to happen only a certain way. And when it didn’t I chose to get caught up in the anger I felt. The anger and blame made me forget about what an amazing gift it was. Why did I get so blind?

And then it started coming to me that I am very guilty of silently creating my life-drama situations. They say if your thoughts predict your future then I would agree it’s true in my case. 

In reflection of my life, I have created such chaos in times when I should have been very honest. If I had been truthful then I wouldn’t have to pretend to have it all together. I could have lived in a difficult time but it would have been real. And being real feels better then the lie. 

The weight lifts off of you. 

If I had said out loud my issues when it was happening it could have been dealt with. If I had once reminded myself that how another behaved wasn’t about me then I could have had peace. 

The truth will set you free. I’m still tied up in my chains but they are slowly loosening and breaking apart. The less I resist them the more I realize they never had the power I thought they did. 

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