I got here, because I didn’t fit in. I tried. Dear Lord, I tried to fit the “normal” people, but I couldn’t act cute, spunky, or be sexy. I wasn’t willing to conform. Conformity was death to me. Fitting in was no match for the hatred I had for giving in.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a level of “pretend” in my life. I pretended I was ok and that was enough to satisfy the peers. I had a level of conformity, but it was simple; don’t be weird. Be funny. Be high energy. Be a friend. But, under no circumstances show your true self to these people. What I truly learned about myself from child through to my teens is that when you unsure about your place in your community then you internalize it to be a bad part of you. When in fact, it actually demonstrates what is wrong with society.
I always had a calling to this light that was deeper and stronger then I could understand. I was the strange girl that would not side with you just to make you happy but point out both sides of the situation. I was the teen counsellor to my friends. My mother hated this because we had a party line (shared a phone line with our neighbor) and anyone who called either residence was getting a busy signal. I was an excellent listener and had a Dr. Phil flare with a tell it like it is long before he made his debut on TV. This never changed over the years. I would always regard this as people would talk and I could hear what they weren’t saying. The problem is that most people were speaking in half truths for a reason. They did not want some girl telling them their truth out loud. The reactions were not nice, but I didn’t know that just because I heard it didn’t mean I should say it. I feel like I see their story and can see the bottom layer on where stuff started for them, but again most people aren’t ready to hear the truth unless they are in search of healing.
But this calling was too strange sometimes and I would mask it with parties and drinking. I tried my best to put out the flame of light inside me. I covered it up as much as possible. And then, it all fell apart and the flame appeared to be snuffed out. My mother was sick and later died. I had an Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love moment of break down lying on the floor and instead of not wanting to be married or have babies as Elizabeth felt; I instead I didn’t want to be dealing with this at my young age. In the year after her death, I had kept my life as dull as I could with alcohol. .
So, I kept partying. I met a guy and he was a good sign in my life. But, there came a point that he reached out his hand and offered it to me. He wanted me to settle down and sober up. It was like a door opened and it felt like it could save me. I thought I’d feel euphoric entering into that choice, but instead I lost everything. My friends were gone. I chose the guy and I was black-balled from my “normal” life. I never felt so alone. The guy remained steady, but I felt lonely and isolated. This lasted several years. In wasn’t all for nothing because this is where I started searching for spiritual growth. The flame I thought was gone it came back around where I had strange comfort in the fire I was building within. It reminded me when I was younger before the teen years when I still felt that being myself was cool or at least a small version of my Self. I circled around in this private world. I got married and had children. I kept to myself until I had no choice because the universe has a bigger plan for me.
My children grew up. I hesitated at every classroom door for every class party. I felt the same at every family function. They all thought they knew who I was, and I knew they were wrong. But, nothing made me want to tell the truth. It took me a long decade to have true friends. I have the most amazing group of people in my life now. But, I am the one that has the answers but I am the worst offender of not taking my own advice. How do you truly tell others to live their best life when you too scared to do the work that you are passionate about? Fear. How do you have such good friends but they know that deep down you aren’t telling them the truth of who you really are? Unworthiness.
And now here I am. I have been shaken to my core to live up to the potential and I still hesitate. Am I willing to knock down the wall to be free? The obvious answer should be yes. But, what would that really take? I have championed for others but I don’t do the same thing for myself. Why do I not think to put myself first? To put my goals as a priority? To love myself like I would my child? To want the best for me? I am in fear of achieving my goals. I know how to give love, but don’t give it back to myself. I have never done this before so how do I begin? And that is where I start….