I hit a low this week. It caught me off guard and I was surprised how vulnerable and sad I felt. I got this reminder by another person that you are not allowed to have an opinion because it went against the masses. Now if hockey is like a religion then you are supposed to honor the tradition and never question it. Read the rules, obey the laws of the predecessor’s before you, “this is an institution and you my dear, are the outsider”. And if I have ever proven time and again that I cannot follow the crowd. I question the religion that asks me to hate others or to judge them. I believe that if the story of Jesus is true then he was loving and kind. He seemed to always look for the people that others turned away from like the lepers, the whores and the poor. I ask myself that if I am made to believe that we are only to help the rich, the elite, the best players and to sacrifice the rest, then I never can follow that attitude. I believe in the underdogs. I believe in seeing each other truly as they are. The people in the back are so hoping that someone sees them and knows that in their heart that they want the best too. God’s love isn’t just for the chosen few. He is for all of us.
I have been there many times. I have a strong feeling inside to question the crowd. I don’t follow. It seems like it’s great because many people say it, be yourself or don’t be a follower. If you friend jumped off the bridge would you? And, I won’t lie, I have tried to follow. I tried to join the group of friends that seemed cool. But, always in the midst of it I get that sense to walk out of there. I would rather seek isolation then be around people who gossip, brag and be negative. I have fought this for a long time because people have this need to fit in. But, as time has showed me that I have a couple of close friends that are the most amazing people. They are my earth angels and though they seem to come to me for help, they help me by making me look at myself. I believe this is what you need to do to heal yourself, your soul especially. You don’t find healing in people that gossip, lie and hurt others. You will get caught in the web of a façade of a wonderful life. But, peel away the light layer of lovely is just below the problems and worries that you have pushed down are waiting right there. And, if we go deeper it is the layer of pain that has happened to us over the years through relationships, our childhood and all the people/actions that have come across our path. We learn to hide who we are by placing the layers of veil over top of our soul. I have heard that phrase many times that we need to lift the veils to reveal our true selves.
I am lifting a veil. I am hurt that I couldn’t say my opinion without being torn apart. I made a statement and said I don’t have any want for anything to be done. But, I just wanted to say I thought something was unfair. And then, like striking a match once it was thrown it sparked a hidden belief that I was unaware of and had my hand slapped. It was unacceptable for me to say anything but it was okay for others to tell me how wrong I am. This is where my true self comes out again and I just cannot bend to their traditions of how they believe it has always been done. I don’t fight everything, I pay my taxes, but when it comes to the wellbeing of others, not just my own, I cannot be silent. The veil lifted though has to also show me that that another person cannot control my emotions. It is important to pull the self away to observe with awareness that others have their responses and reactions. I also only watch my own responses and reaction. It isn’t that every problem will be fixed by this awareness, but what I have learned is that my first response is not always filled with love or compassion; it sometimes comes up as anger and I want to fight. I want to show you how you are wrong. And then I hear deep down that it isn’t the right path. It will not get me to a lighter soulful place by fighting everything and to try to prove to everyone to be good and I am going to tell them how they are wrong in doing it. Sounds a little bit like the church I grew up in. I left church because they made me feel bad every time, and I was looking for upliftment. The arena was not where I was going to find it either.
In everything that we are to learn is that we are just the awareness of this life. We do not need to hold onto this movie reel that is flowing past our eyes. If it disturbs us or causes pain, relax and release. Do not hold onto the pain it causes and then protect it inside to keep it there. Let it release like a wisp of smoke. It was there and now is no longer. I appreciate this lesson this time. I hope to have that come to me a lot sooner then deal with it for a week to come to this conclusion. But, lesson 2 is be gentle on yourself, you won’t get it every time.