I went to see Dad today. I sent the family swimming because it had been a bit since I had really sat down and talked with him. Ever since his wife has been going down with her physical mobility it has made it hard for him to take his Sunday drives out to my place. I miss him when we don’t see each other.
Mom, he is a kind man. He is in no way a perfect person, but he makes my heart smile. We started our conversation and he tears up about his struggles. He worries about his wife and her health. I worry about his health. His breathing. He says it will take a month before he can get an X-ray. He looks tired. It makes me hurt inside to hear his breath sounding difficult. I can only hope its an infection that can get cleared up and not something else heart related. It will hurt me so much when he is taken from this earth. I have asked him several years ago to hang on for me. I didn’t want to be left alone. The thought of my father leaving me too was so difficult to think about especially when he had the heart attack and then later had a stroke. I watched him struggle with the stroke which really set him back. Finally at one point I told him after I had drove him in to see a doctor that I said you don’t have to hang on for me anymore. I shared that it was selfish of me and that I was just so grateful that he saw me get married and met my kids. I was so lucky to have him be a part of my life when I needed a parent. And now he isn’t hanging on for me. He is hanging on for his wife.
We continued talking and his troubles are released we move on to the past. I sat and went through the old albums. I took a pic of some of the old prints to have for myself. I don’t have a lot of photos of you and me. It made me happy.
We keep chatting. I tell him my tiny troubles. He tells me stories when he was a younger man with his young family and how he can relate. He shares things with me that are new to me. Its like hearing a perspective of your own life that you have never heard before but wonder, my goodness, my father fretted as I do for my kids. He shared stories about his baseball years. My dad was a good ball player, but says his brother was better. I laugh and say well, I think you were the best in my eyes. My dad ended up coaching baseball for many years.
I got the feeling you wanted me to talk about the signs and symbols challenge with him. I felt it twice but thought I didn’t want to go there. I told my husband about the challenge who already thinks I’m a bit crazy and hoping that doesn’t start to seep out into public. He just forgets I blog and it is already going to the public.
By the end, Dad is smiling and I sense a bit of sadness has crept out of his eyes. I help his wife into her wheelchair. I walk with them down to their dining room for supper. All the elderly faces stare at me and I smile and say hello to all of them. His wife kisses me on the cheek. I hug dad and tell him I love him. I walk out of there feeling good and sad too. My father will be approaching 84 next month. He’s lived a good long life. There is nothing to say that I am so happy he is with me and I wish for as many good days with him, but I realize the time is running shorter then before.
As for you mom, your birthday is approaching as well. This is such a bittersweet time for me. Your birthday and then your passing day was 5 days later. You would have been 73. Thank you for all the healing you have been a part of for me in these last few weeks. I have never cried so much. And to anyone that reads this, it is because instead of finding a release for my negative feelings I pushed them down and held on to them. I have found that this serves me no longer and I need to let it go. I have meditated and asked to surrender what I can’t control and then preceded to cry during my meditation. I felt the most light and radiance that my angels were with me and supporting me. I thank you Mom. It is the best gift to have your presence be felt by me after so long thinking you weren’t there. I know you were always there, but I just resisted and blocked for so long. Thanks for hanging in there waiting for me to open my eyes to the possibilities of you out there. XO