I don’t speak to you very often. I don’t acknowledge you very much either. It isn’t that I don’t think of you, but I didn’t understand the human spirit or the soulful spirit yours is now. I denied you being out there near me for many years. I felt disconnected to you when you died and I didn’t understand what would happen to your soul or to mine. It took a decade for me to feel you near, but our relationship had changed so much that it was like rediscovering who you were to me. I did. I spent time asking questions to Dad about you. I wanted to understand. I wanted to forgive the pain that had hung on so long. You were mean to me on your death bed. It hurt. You didn’t share with me what was going on. I felt so in the dark about your illness. I know you were hoping to protect me, but looking back I felt so isolated. I didn’t cry in front of you but saved that for my Math 20 teacher.
I think of you now but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to ask for because I don’t ask for anything. It is a downfall for me. I have learned to do it myself and not ask anyone for help. I believed that dreams didn’t work out anyway so I’d just be thankful for whatever came my way. Mom, I don’t know how to ask for anything. I don’t know how to ask for what I want because I felt it was so hammered into me to not want anything. Because I remember clearly wanting things and never getting them. I wanted a gift and didn’t get one. I wanted to do things and was denied. It seemed futile after time to want things that would never show up. It was a sin to want them. So, dreams died. Big wishes were cast away into the darkness. I am not a risk taker, just to prove how safe I am.
I’ve thought many times to talk to you in my mind. But, I’ve come to realize that writing it down is easier for me. If you are there you will hear this loud and clear. I want you to be a part of my life. I miss you. I love you. I know you haven’t missed out on my life. You have witnessed my marriage and the birth of my children. You have been through all the big things in my life. I have just been without you so long that when you were banging on the wall I wasn’t choosing to hear it.
If you know what I’m up to then I want you to be a part of my signs and symbols research. I want you to show them to me as they get presented. I want to find them. I want to thank you for them. I want to see if we can build our relationship back in 24 weeks as Carmel Baird has suggested when she will send me a new symbol each week.
The truth is that I need help. I have never needed as much help as I need now. Time is short and I have done so much but I feel this great need to not be idle anymore. I need to stop wasting time. But, I need you mom. You are one of the strongest souls I know. You would be pushy and make your presence known, and I mean that in the best way possible. I want to feel your connection to me. So, I ask you to help me and to heal with me as well.