I sit here in the morning as the sun makes it way up into the sky. The light and warmth on my back as I tap away at the keyboard. I am so grateful for the Saturday morning at home. No work. No place to go. No rush to get dressed. As I glance around at the light catching the surfaces of all my prized possessions I see a layer of dust. Wow! Someone should really clean up around here
….oh well, I never have company this early. Crossing fingers.
On a more serious note, I am going to focus on jealousy. I think I am a special person. I offer my unique perspective on this world. I have friends. I have people who I love and love me in return. About 70% of me lives in the consciousness of non-judgment, support and kindness. The other 30% shows up in times of fear, worry and jealousy. I will focus on jealousy, because I saw it yesterday. It came quickly. I examined it just as quickly. I was able to hold it without feeling it, because I want to understand why it comes up.
My friend has a special gift. She shared it with me. I am happy that she has an ability that comes easy to her. I got jealous that it does not come to me as easily, if ever. She called me to talk to me about her gift. She called me specifically because she was asking for my advice. So, as I listened and gave her as pure advice as it came to me, but I knew that a small spark of jealously had entered my heart. I acknowledged it. I sent it back out, but a small portion returned or maybe never left. It made me look at it closer.
This is a common negative thread in my life. I am many things, but whatever those things are I still think others do it better. I can draw, but I see other artists and there work looks better. I can write, but I read other works and they are better. It goes on and on. It is the reel of a movie that plays over and over to tell me that I shouldn’t bother doing it because someone out there will do it beyond expectations. I can remember moments of feeling that inadequacy from an early age. I have allowed the words of society, my teachers and my peers to rule my life. I allowed it. In the last few years, I have been more aware of this vicious cycle of statements that are not mine, but have sadly kept repeating where “they” left off.
I looked at my jealousy closer yesterday as a reminder. I didn’t get it until this morning that I can see it more clearly. I must remember that as an artist that my art is my gift. I will approach it like no other. My writing is a reflection of my life, and I wouldn’t be able to say my messages without having lived this life. Not your life, but my life. I will remind myself that society tends to categorize and I do not. I like seeing and deciding myself what will serve me. Is this true? Is this what I really believe? Will I ever be jealous again? Probably, but acknowledging that it exists and that I want to change the thought is a really great step.
I let it go today so that I can concentrate on more important things in life such as getting dressed and going on a dusting rampage.